Modern Family: Lean On Me
by skreanwriter
Summary: Phil and Claire try to get Haley back on track in school. Jay wins a "Business Man" Award. And Cameron and Mitchell get a reno - with a Spanish twist. Will this wacky family rely on - or turn on - each other?
1. Act one

** MODERN FAMILY**

**"Lean On Me"**

**ACT ONE**

**FADE IN: **

**1 - INT. CAMERON & MITCHELL HOUSE – DINING ROOM – MORNING**

Mitchell is hurriedly piling his laptop into his computer bag at the dining room table. Cameron enters the room carrying Lily and a color swatch.

CAMERON

(waving the color swatch)

It's patio time! The construction crew

should be here any minute.

MITCHELL

That's today? Did we even  
agree on the colors?

CAMERON

The furniture is cocoa.  
The trim is rococo.

Cameron starts to dance with Lily while rhyming.

CAMERON

Cocoa. Rococo. Makes me loco.

MITCHELL

Please stop.

Mitchell looks out window and sees truck with the name: Construccion Azteca on the side. Eight workers are crammed into the truck's cab and trailer.

MITCHELL

They're here. And seatbelt safety is  
clearly not a priority.

(SFX: doorbell rings.)

CAMERON

Meet the crew.

Or I'll switch to haiku.

Mitchell sighs, closes his PC bag and follows Cameron.

**2 – INT. DUNPHY HOUSE – KITCHEN – MORNING**

Claire is packing lunch bags and Luke and Alex are seated at the island eating breakfast. Phil is rummaging through cereals in a cupboard above sink.

PHIL

(pulling out a bright coloured box)

Chocolate Frosted Daddy-O

Supremes! I haven't had these

in a while.

Phil pours cereal into his mouth

LUKE

Isn't that the one that

had weevils in it?

Phil chokes on cereal as he tries to spit it out. Haley sticks her head into the kitchen.

HALEY

I'm ready to go.

CLAIRE

That's great news. Now sit and eat.

You can wait like everyone else.

Haley stays in doorway. Phil throws cereal box in garbage, returns to rummage in cereal cupboard.

ALEX

It's parent/teacher interviews today.

That's why she's avoiding adults.

HALEY

I`m not avoiding adults. Just you.

So I don`t catch ugly disease.

CLAIRE

Girls, please stop. Nobody`s getting  
ugly on my watch.

PHIL

(pulling out a different cereal box)

(To Luke)  
Hey buddy, this one`ll put hair

on your chest.

Phil pours cereal on table for Luke to eat, throws a handful of cereal in his own mouth. Continues to eat cereal.

CLAIRE

Phil, could you take the kids to  
school today?

(Luke checks inside top to see if he has any hairs on his chest)

LUKE

How long does it take?

PHIL

Not right away, buddy! Give it some

time.

ALEX

Like about ten years. Twenty,

in your case.

CLAIRE (interrupting)

Phil, can you take the kids to school?  
And could you eat your cereal out of a  
bowl? Maybe use a spoon?

Phil tries to answer but his words are mangled by a mouthful of cereal.

PHIL  
(choking sounds)

LUKE

That's so cool!

(Puts cereal in his mouth and tries to talk, spitting on Alex)

ALEX /CLAIRE /HALEY

Ewwwww.

ALEX (flicking food off herself)

That is so juvenile!

**3 – PHIL AND CLAIRE INTERVIEW – COUCH**

CLAIRE

I always wanted a big family. Now

I can't quite remember why…

PHIL

Really? You told me you wanted to

show your parents that you are

capable of being a responsible -

Claire shoots Phil a look, shutting him up.

CLAIRE

I mean, we totally love them. But

it's a lot of work.

PHIL

Yeah, and we end up doing without a lot so

we can give the kids stuff. If we

didn't have three kids, I could

have a sports car. No Luke. Yes Maserati.

Claire looks at him.

PHIL

Kids are better.

**4 – INTERIOR – JAY AND GLORIA'S HOUSE – KITCHEN – MORNING**

Manny and Gloria are eating breakfast at the kitchen table. Jay enters the kitchen.

JAY

Today's the day. Lou's gonna call

and tell me if I won.

GLORIA

That Lifetime prize?

JAY

The California Lifetime _Achievement_ Prize.

GLORIA (trying not to laugh)

The CLAP?

JAY

This is a big thing.

MANNY

Aren't the winners usually dead?

A lifetime is a life time.

JAY

Forget the lifetime part.

Focus on achievement.

Jay pours himself a coffee in a giant mug with the words "World's Greatest Dad" on it.

JAY

Do you think there's a mug with

"World's Second Greatest Dad"

on it?

MANNY

Do you go into some kind of

businessman's Hall of Fame?

JAY

There is no museum. But some

very famous people have gone

before me.

MANNY (excited)

Like who? Bill Gates?

Steve Jobs?

JAY

Remember Barney Goldman? He won

it three years ago.

Gloria and Manny nod no.

JAY (cont'd)

He runs an import business?

GLORIA

What's the name of the company?

JAY

Barney Goldman Imports.

Gloria and Manny nod no again.

JAY

I don't trust the guy anyway.

Cheap imports. Even his German  
Shepherd was from China.

GLORIA

You know, Manny won an award once.

When he was seven, the village

gave him award for inventing a

whistle that only the

goats could hear. You were so

little, but you loved the goats.

JAY

So how did that work out?

MANNY

We had to stop using it when all

the village goats heard it and

stampeded the main street.

GLORIA

(tweaking Manny's cheek)

But still, we were so proud of

your invention.

JAY

Yeah. My kid: the "goat whisperer".

Jay holds up his Greatest Dad coffee mug in salute.

**5 - JAY AND GLORIA INTERVIEW - COUCH:**

JAY

The California Lifetime Achievement

Prize. It's kind of like the

Oscars for business. It's a long,

boring show, where everyone

gets drunk. And if you give a

bad speech, they'll never let you

forget it.

GLORIA

You will do fine, Jay – how do you say  
it: you will "pass the mustard".

JAY

When Goldman won, he had them laughing  
_and_ crying in the aisles. They're still  
raving about it.

GLORIA

I can help you write it.

I see you every day, working like a dog

on his bone.

JAY (trying to be serious)

Working like a dog on my bone?

GLORIA

Yes, your bone is like your peoples. You

love your peoples and that keeps your

business alive.

JAY

Thanks, honey, but I should probably

have some "peoples" help who were there

at the beginning.

(SOTTO)

And who know 'peoples' isn't a real word…

GLORIA

Oh, you would prefer your ex-wife to

help write it?

JAY

No, she wasn't there either.

**6 – EXT. CAMERON & MITCHELL HOUSE – BACKYARD - DAY**

Mitchell & Cameron are greeting the construction crew, who all carry their construction gear.

CAMERON

Hola! I'm Cameron and this

is Mitchell. We're very excited to

meet you all.

(CONTINUING TO SHAKE HANDS WITH OTHER WORKERS)

Hola, hola…

MANUEL

Hola. ¿Habla español?

CAMERON

(hesitating)

Español? Peco… dillo…

While continuing to shake with one hand, Cameron demonstrates 'little bit' with thumb & index finger of the other…

CAMERON

Does it matter? Uh, el …importa …tu?

Manuel forcibly removes himself from Cameron's handshake, and pulls out contract – points to section on the paper.

MANUEL

Espanol. Concordo…

Mitchell takes the paper and reads the contract. Looks at Cameron.

MITCHELL

(to Cameron)

You signed a legal document that

says you speak Spanish?

**7 - CAMERON & MITCHELL - INTERVIEW – CHAIRS IN LIVING ROOM**

CAMERON

I checked off yes because I

didn't want to insult them.

MITCHELL

You also thought you knew Vietnamese

when we went to pick up Lily.

CAMERON

We found that lovely translator and

everything worked out okay.

MITCHELL

Yes. And now we know how to say

"con man" in Vietnamese.

**END OF ACT ONE**


	2. Act two

**ACT TWO:**

**8 – EXT. CAMERON & MITCHELL HOUSE – BACKYARD - DAY**

Mitchell is exiting back door with briefcase, while Cameron talks to Manuel. Construction crew hover by truck.

CAMERON

(to Manuel, lots of hand flourishes)  
Porter los floor-os aqui.

MITCHELL  
(dialing cell)

I have to go. I'll call Gloria to  
come sort this out.

Cameron is busy talking to Manuel and doesn't respond.

CAMERON  
(to Manuel)

And paint-o los railings agua.

MANUEL

Agua?

CAMERON (pleased to be understood)

Arriba.

MITCHELL (on cell)  
"Gloria! Picante, er, perque, no,  
please! Can you come over? It's a

Spanish emergency!?"

**9 – INT. – JAY AND GLORIA'S HOUSE – BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS**

Gloria's in the bedroom, on the phone with Mitchell. Jay enters the bedroom.

GLORIA

(INTO PHONE) A Spanish emergency?

JAY

Gloria! I just got the call. I won!

GLORIA

(still on cell)  
Yay, Jay! You got the CLAP!

MITCHELL (confused)

Dad has the clap?

GLORIA  
I'll tell you more when I get there. Ciao!

**10 – JAY & GLORIA INTERVIEW - COUCH**

GLORIA

I would love Jay even if he

was a failure.

JAY

Be glad you don't have to choose.

GLORIA

I loved my first husband. He wasn't

always successful. But he was always

passionate.

Jay looks at camera.

GLORIA

I remember, he designed a reusable

piñata.

JAY

Isn't that the point of a piñata

- to break?

GLORIA

Yes, of course, but these were

made of wood.

Jay looks at the camera.

GLORIA

We had a lot of leftover piñatas

that year at Manny's birthday.

And the village doctor was so

busy with the – how do you say it…

Gloria gestures at her arm and knocks on it.

JAY

Fractures?

GLORIA

Yes all of the fractures of

the arms.

**11 – INT. – TEACHER'S OFFICE - DAY**

Claire and Phil are sitting in classroom, waiting for Haley's social studies teacher. Phil eats cereal out of a plastic bag.

PHIL

This is great! Why don't

people eat this all the time?

CLAIRE

Couldn't you have had a proper

lunch?

PHIL

It has dried blueberries and

strawberries. It's like

astronaut food!

Mr. Haven enters the room. Phil continues to cheerfully eat his cereal. Claire elbows him.

CLAIRE (sotto)

Stop!

MR. HAVEN

(proffering handshake)

Hello, I'm Mr. Haven.

Social Studies. Thank you

for coming.

Mr Haven reviews documents on his desk.

MR HAVEN (cont'd)

So, Jonathan is doing incredibly

well this year….

CLAIRE  
(interrupting)

We're Haley's parents.

MR. HAVEN

(look of distaste crosses face)  
Oh. Haley. Dunphy. The one

that's always talking in class…

Phil throws more cereal in mouth. Crunching noises. Claire elbows him again. Mr. Haven finds new documents.

MR. HAVEN

(looking at documents)

Haley is _not_ doing incredibly

well. Not at all. She has failed

to complete her social studies

project.

CLAIRE (surprised)

Haley didn't tell us this!

PHIL

So Haley was being _social_ instead

of _social studying_.

Claire is annoyed by his joke.

MR. HAVEN (dryly)

That is not funny, Mr Dunphy.

But it is true. She spends her time

talking, even texting on her

cell phone, when she should be

doing her project.

PHIL

She's _texting_ not _reading her text_.

Only Phil laughs. Claire grows more mortified. Phil sneaks more cereal.

CLAIRE (cont'd)

But she can't fail! She needs

good marks for college.

PHIL (nodding in agreement)

Yes, first you get to college,

Then you "get social"!

Uncomfortable silence in the room as Claire and Mr. Haven stare silently at Phil.

MR. HAVEN

I agree. She's a good -

(hesitates, looking at documents)

MR. HAVEN

- she's an okay student. If

Haley finishes her project  
this week, then I can improve

the mark.

He considers Claire and Phil.

MR. HAVEN (cont'd)

Do you think you can make that happen?

Claire nods yes. Phil crunches quietly.

**12 – EXT. – CAMERON & MITCHELL`S HOUSE – BACKYARD - DAY**

Gloria arrives at Cameron's and is on the cell with Mitchell. INTERCUT WITH: Mitchell, on the phone in his office.

GLORIA (in cell)

Yes, yes, I am here.

MITCHELL

Stay on the phone. I want to

know what happens!

CAMERON (visibly relieved)  
Gloria! Over here!

Gloria waves to Cameron. Walks toward him, still on cell.

GLORIA

I can handle this, Mitchell.

MITCHELL

Don't hang up. I'll just listen.

CAMERON

Hola, Gloria. This is Manuel.

Manuel, esta mia mama, Gloria.

Manuel shakes Gloria's hand.

MANUEL (disbelieving)

Mama?

GLORIA

(In Spanish, w/ sub-titles)

No no! _Mother-in-law_!

CAMERON

You two must have a lot in

common. You're both Spanish!

Mitchell snorts on phone. Gloria smiles politely.

MITCHELL

Repeat everything exactly as Cam

says so that Manuel fully understands.

GLORIA

(turning away to talk into cell)  
You're not trusting me?

MITCHELL

Just don't add any of your own  
opinions in Spanish.

**13 - INTERVIEW – MITCHELL – CHAIR IN LIVING ROOM**

MITCHELL

Gloria showed us pictures

of her favourite backyard in

Colombia. The flowers were to die for.  
Exquisite taste. But she wanted us to get  
life-size statues of the great saints.  
(beat) I'm not against organized  
religion I just don't want Our Lady of  
Guadalupe watching me drink Margaritas  
in my own back yard.

**14 – EXT. – CAMERON & MITCHELL`S HOUSE – BACKYARD – DAY**

As before.

CAMERON

I love the Latin culture. It's so

warm and loving.

Gloria translates and she and Manuel both smile in agreement.

CAMERON (cont'd)

Both countries are so beautiful.  
And Cabo! Stunning!

Gloria continues to translate. Manuel is pleased by the compliment.

CAMERON (cont'd)

It's so terrible, all the drug wars

in Mexico. Is it safe to go there?

MITCHELL

Why is Cam asking about drugs?

Gloria ignores Mitchell. Gloria repeats but this upsets Manuel.

MANUEL (In Spanish, with sub-titles)

Americans know nothing about

my country. They are making up

lies about the drugs and the guns!

Gloria does not translate.

MITCHELL

Gloria, what`s happening?!

GLORIA (into phone)

Nothing, Mitchell. It's just a

little thing about the cartels.

MITCHELL (confused)

Cartels!?

MANUEL (In Spanish, with sub-titles)

Mexico will never be as bad as

Colombia!

GLORIA (In Spanish, with sub-titles)

Do not insult my country! This whole  
Colombia drug thing is blown out of  
proportion. Mexico could never be as

beautiful.

MITCHELL

What`s happening? Gloria?!

The crew move up behind Manuel. Cameron is increasingly more distraught.

CAMERON

(TRYING TO CALM SITUATION)

Would anyone like a drink?

Margarita? I have fresh mint.

MANUEL (In Spanish, with sub-titles)

(IGNORING CAMERON)

Mexico _is_ far more beautiful than  
Colombia! And talented. We invented  
Mariachi! We invented the Caesar  
salad!

CAMERON

Sangria?

MITCHELL

Gloria! Please talk to me!

Gloria ignores Cameron's offer, and Mitchell's plaintive cries from cell.

GLORIA (In Spanish, with sub-titles)

We invented beauty queens!  
And Ugly Betty! And ..and … Colombian  
coffee!

CAMERON

Mojito?

Mitchell's head slumps to his desk.

**15 – EXT. – DUNPHY LAWN - DAY **

Claire and Phil are awaiting Haley, Alex and Luke outside on the porch/lawn. Claire and Phil are clearly upset as they arrive.

CLAIRE

Alex, Luke, please go inside.

We want to talk to Haley.

ALEX

Can`t I stay? I want to hear!

CLAIRE

Alex, please! Just go inside.

Alex and Luke reluctantly go inside.

CLAIRE

We met with Mr. Haven today.

HALEY

That man hates me.

PHIL

(MUNCHING CEREAL)

I had that feeling too!

Claire gives him a stare. Phil munches on, oblivious.

CLAIRE

He said you didn't hand in your

project.

HALEY

I've been so busy! That shoe

store only had a sale this weekend.

And... homework. I've been

busy with homework.

CLAIRE

School has to come first. Mr. Haven

gave you an extension, until Friday.

We're grounding you until the project

is complete.

HALEY

But I have my end of term party this week!

CLAIRE

Not anymore. And we're taking away

your cell phone.

HALEY

My cell phone!?

PHIL (agreeing)

Yes, little lady. You can't go

anywhere or talk to anyone until

this project is done.

CLAIRE

She still has to go to school, Phil.

PHIL

Okay, yes, school is still okay.

Or the library. Or, uh, the

car on the way to and from

school or the library …

you know what? There are

lots of places you could be.

It won't be so bad! … (OFF CLAIRE'S LOOK)

Yes it will. Upstairs, young lady.

As Phil talks, Jay pulls in the laneway.

CLAIRE

I forgot. Dad's here. I told

him I'd help with some speech.

PHIL

Speech? What for?

CLAIRE

He won some California achievement

award.

PHIL (excitedly)

He got the CLAP this year!?

HALEY

I can recommend a clinic for him.

CLAIRE

You better not know a clinic!

HALEY

I'm not the one with the clap!

A sullen Haley goes inside house as Jay approaches.

PHIL

(SHAKING JAY'S HAND)

Congratulations! Claire

told me you got the CLAP!

JAY (irritated)

California Lifetime Achievement

Prize. Yeah.

PHIL

That's great! I'll leave you  
to it. Unless you need my  
speechwriting expertise?

PHIL (cont'd)

No? I've still got some fresh  
jokes I've been saving!

JAY

Like that hilarious 'you got the

CLAP' joke? We'll call you if we

need you.

PHIL (awkwardly)

Well, I'll just go inside.

Maybe get a snack. See ya!

**16 – INT. – DUNPHY HOUSE – HALEY'S ROOM - DAY**

Phil checks in on Haley in her bedroom. She is on the computer.

PHIL

Hey, I thought we said no electronics!

HALEY

Dad, how can I research my

project if I can't use the

Internet?

PHIL

(READING THE GOOGLE RESULTS PAGE)

Okay. I'll let you use it but

I need to monitor this. Make sure

you're not downloading music

instead of reading about – what is

it you're researching?

HALEY

The history of the seeing eye dog.

PHIL

The working canine, eh? That

sounds intriguing.

Phil grabs mouse, Haley grabs it back.

PHIL (cont'd)

I'm going to need to drive this one

Haley. Resistance is futile.

Haley gives up mouse. Phil starts to explore.

PHIL

Check this out, Haley. There's

75 million results for your topic!

Let's get this puppy started!

Phil SEES Jay out the window.

PHIL

(sotto)

That man is passing up a

speechwriting goldmine.

**17 - INT. - DUNPHY LIVING ROOM - DAY**

Jay and Claire are sitting together in the living room.

CLAIRE

This sounds pretty simple, Dad. Tell

everyone you've had a great ride, you

love what you're doing, thanks for the

CLAP and Salute!

Claire raises imaginary glass in toast.

JAY

Claire, that's not enough.

I need to wow them. Just like

Barney Goldman did three years

ago.

CLAIRE

Barney Goldman? I remember – that  
speech was great! Remember the part

about how he saved all those orphans -

JAY

Look, I'm a better businessman

than Goldman. And I did it without any

money from my Dad – he had plenty!

Plus, I keep people employed here,

while he goes offshore. "Orphans",

my ass…

CLAIRE

You could thank your family too,

Dad. We went through a lot to

support you.

JAY

I didn't see you at the factory  
every day, Claire.

CLAIRE

So you think you did it alone, Dad?

Your family didn't contribute to your  
success?

JAY

I had a family because I was

successful and could afford to

support you. Figure skating

lessons weren't cheap!

CLAIRE (exasperated)

Then I'm sure you'll be fine doing

this alone too, Dad. I have a  
family  
to see to.

Claire leaves room. Jay throws up arms in frustration.

**18 - INT. – DUNPHY HOUSE – HALEY'S ROOM - DAY**

Phil is busy watching YouTube videos. Sounds of dogs barking to music. Haley is in the window, texting.

PHIL (staring at computer)

You're not going to believe this!

These dogs can talk!

Haley ignores him. She is busy texting. Outside the window, WE SEE Dylan in the back yard. He texts back. Phil is laughing in the background.

PHIL (cont'd)

Haley! Watch this!

Claire walks in. Both Haley and Phil look at her in stunned fear.

**END OF ACT TWO**


	3. Act three

**ACT THREE**

**19 – INT. – DUNPHY HOUSE – HALEY'S ROOM - DAY**

Claire is in doorway. She surveys the room.

CLAIRE

Phil, can you explain what's going  
on here?

Phil stands up and tries to cover his YouTube results page by blocking the screen. In the background a video starts of a dog barking out what sounds like: "I love you". Phil hits the pause button.

CLAIRE

Haley, did I not just ban your  
cell phone?

HALEY

I was only calling Jenny! She got  
an A on her project!

CLAIRE

Phil, why are you on Haley's computer?

PHIL

Remember, we banned electronics?

Well, she needed to use the Internet

to research guide dogs.

Phil, nervous, knocks over nearby cereal box which spills over keyboard. Scrambles around, trying to clean it up as he talks.

PHIL (cont'd)

I was...helping...

CLAIRE

Haley, this is really important.

You need good marks to get into  
college.

Phil is listening, nodding in agreement.

HALEY

It's always about college for you!

You went to college Mom. Then you had  
kids. Quit your job. Do you think  
you're a success?

PHIL

Hey, that's no way to talk

to your mom. She has a job. She  
works for us now!

Claire and Haley roll their eyes at Phil.

**20 – INTERVIEW - CLAIRE – COUCH**

CLAIRE

It's true. I did quit my job when  
I had kids. But that doesn't mean  
my life is over.

Pause, considering.

CLAIRE (cont'd)

My life is _not_ over.

College is about opportunities.

And expanding your mind. I mean,

not with "chemicals" expanding your

mind - I mean, with knowledge –

expanding your mind with knowledge.

Haley knows that. She'll be glad

I pushed her to go to college.

I know it.

**21 – INTERVIEW - HALEY – COUCH**

HALEY

Of course I'm going to college.

I can't wait to get away from this  
house. At 18, I'm gone. Sooner if  
I could!

**22 - INT. – JAY & GLORIA HOUSE – JAY'S OFFICE - DAY**

Jay is sitting at desk in his office. He is trying to write his speech.

JAY

Maybe I open with a joke. Hey,

did you hear the one about the

guy at the Pearly Gates who couldn't

remember his wife's name?

Jay crumples it up.

JAY (cont'd)

That's how he got there.

Bad joke. Okay. As a boy I dreamed

of being here on the stage…Nope…

Jay crumples paper. Throws in pile on floor.

JAY (cont'd)

What about: did you hear the one

about Barney Goldman at the

Pearly Gates...

He crumples that paper and tosses it in on the pile. He thinks for a minute, then grabs it back again, looks at it and throws it back in.

JAY (cont'd)

If there is a God in heaven,

he won't let Goldman in!

**23 – INT. – DUNPHY HOUSE – HALEY'S BEDROOM - DAY**

Claire is sitting on the bed, watching Haley type on her computer with one finger. Haley's phone rings, and Claire answers it.

CLAIRE

Dylan, hi! No, Haley's not

available right now… Dylan, I…

hold it.

Claire goes to the window, opens it.

CLAIRE

Dylan! Is that you?

Dylan jumps down from the trampoline where he's on the phone, waiting for Haley.

DYLAN

Hello, Mrs Dunphy!

CLAIRE

Dylan, go home. Haley is going to

be busy for a while.

DYLAN

Okay Mrs Dunphy!

Dylan stays where he is.

CLAIRE

Really, Dylan. Go home.

Dylan nods his head but still doesn't make a move to leave.

CLAIRE

(to Haley)  
Finish your project, before Dylan  
dies of cold and starvation,

waiting for you.

**24 – EXT. – CAMERON & MITCHELL'S HOUSE – BACKYARD - DAY**

Mitchell has now arrived back home to help. Gloria and Cam are on the steps. The crew is huddled by their trailer.

MITCHELL

Cam, why is it every time

I leave you alone with the Spanish

it goes badly?

CAMERON

Don't you think that's a little

condescending, Mitchell? Okay, there was

that ONE TIME in Tijuana. But as

I recall, it was your idea to

rent the donkey.

MITCHELL

And Gloria, I asked you to help,  
not turn this into the Spanish  
Civil War.

CAMERON

Mitchell, calm down. We were just  
trying to be polite with Manuel and  
we hit a nerve.

GLORIA

These people think they are

descended from the Aztecs.

The people who think human  
sacrifice on top of  
a pyramid is a good idea? Do you  
think human sacrifice is a good idea,  
Mitchell?

MITCHELL

Will it get the patio done  
sooner? (BEAT) Okay, I'm sorry.  
I'm just really busy right now.

GLORIA

I understand, Mitchell. I got a  
little emotional. Maybe I added a  
little bit to what Cam was saying.  
But don't worry, I can work it out.

A gardening truck with trailer arrives. Parks behind the Construccion Azteca trailer. Gardener jumps out of his truck,

GARDENER (to Manuel)

Hola!

Gardener talks rapidly in Spanish. Gloria listens to their conversation.

GLORIA (to Cameron and Mitchell)

Your gardener is Manuel's cousin?

Gardener continues excitedly in Spanish. Gloria translates.

GLORIA

He's telling Manuel about how you  
helped him get married, Cameron!  
He thinks you're a hero!

CAMERON (pleased)

A hero?

Manuel stops being angry. He is smiling and comes up to Cameron and Mitchell and kisses them on the cheek.

MANUEL

My apologies! I did not know you

were the famous _Camerone_! Please, let's

get started on this patio!

CAMERON

(shocked, to Mitchell)

He speaks English like he's from

Encino!

MITCHELL

(holding Cameron back from responding)

Let it go. We need this patio done.

CAMERON

(SIGH) Fine.

(to gardener)

Gracias! Please, take the day off!

With pay!

GARDENER

No problem! I will work with my  
cousin Manuel to get the patio  
done!

MANUEL (to Gloria)

Perhaps, if you are free later  
I could take you for tapas?

GLORIA

Gracias, Manuel, but I -

MITCHELL (interrupting)

Gloria, why don't you take some

time to think about that – let

Manuel know _later_?

GLORIA

Sure. I will think about your offer

while you get started on this patio...

CAMERON

(picks up shovel)

Andalay! Andalay!

**25 – EXT. – DUNPHY CAR – NIGHT**

The Dunphy family members are driving to Jay's awards ceremony.

CLAIRE

Haley, I'm so proud you finished

your project on time. See? Homework

isn't so bad!

Haley rolls her eyes at Claire. Suddenly covers her nose.

HALEY

Who is stinking up the car?  
Luke?

LUKE

It wasn't me!

ALEX

It's disgusting!

LUKE (upset)

It's not me! Well, not THIS time!

PHIL

Kids! Stop!

Phil rolls down window.

CLAIRE

(touches Phil's forehead)

Phil, you're all hot and sweaty.  
Are you okay?

PHIL

No. Something's wrong. I have cramps.  
I'm bloated. And (GUILTILY) yes,  
it _was _me.

CLAIRE

Too much dried fruit in your diet?

Phil's face distorts.

PHIL (disbelieving)

The astronaut cereal?

**26 – INT. – HOTEL – AWARDS CEREMONY - TABLE**

Dunphys join the rest of the family, who are already seated at the table. Ad lib hugs, hellos, congratulations for Jay.

HALEY (hugging Jay)

Congratulations Grampa.

Haley turns back to her cell phone.

JAY

Got your cell back? I'm proud.

You must have finished your

project.

HALEY

Yes, just finished. I'm still going

through texts I missed this week.

CLAIRE (to Jay)

And I'm the evil mother who

forced her not to talk to friends.

Claire hugs Jay.

CLAIRE (cont'd)

I hope your speech is ready?

JAY

Of course it is. Show's about  
to start. I am gonna go see a man  
about a horse while I still have time.

Jay walks off.

LUKE (to Alex, excitedly)

Grampa is getting a horse!

Alex just rolls her eyes and turns away from Luke. Phil sits at the table; he is doubled over and holding his stomach.

CLAIRE (to Gloria)

Where's Manny?

GLORIA

He went to tour the display for  
the other winners.

CLAIRE

The Wall of CLAP?

They both laugh.

**27 – INT. – HOTEL – AWARDS CEREMONY - MEN'S ROOM**

Jay enters the bathroom and comes face to face with his business competitor, Barney Goldman.

BARNEY

Jay, you old dog. It's been a  
while. How you keeping?

JAY (teasing)

Hey Barney, I thought you were in

jail. Or dead.

BARNEY

Ha! You wish! I'll never die

as long as my speech lives, Jay.

Wasn't it something?

JAY

I forgot you even won.

BARNEY

Yeah. Right. Did you notice I'm the  
biggest photo out in the display?

JAY

Tonight's my night. I intend to enjoy  
it. So, you retired yet?

BARNEY

Never. I just got back from three  
weeks in Shanghai. Business is

booming there. And the ladies love me.

JAY

Ladies? You not with Susan anymore?

BARNEY

Susan's long gone. With the kids,

the house. But not the money.

He winks at Jay.

BARNEY (cont'd)

May explain why they hate me.

JAY

Nice. So you're not leaving anybody  
behind when you go on your long  
business trips.

BARNEY

Oh, I'm remarried. Cindy - ah

(THINKING)- SANDY!

JAY

Congratulations then. Must be,

what, your fourth wife?

BARNEY

If you don't count the two in

Vegas!

JAY

I'm sure the pre-nups help.

BARNEY

You got it. Anyway, gotta go.

Can't miss the big event.

They're going to show some of the

highlights from my speech!

Barney leaves bathroom. Jay stands moodily at bathroom sink, looking in mirror. Stall door opens and Manny exits.

JAY (surprised)

You been eavesdropping, Manny?  
You could have said something.

Manny walks to sink to wash his hands.

MANNY

I prefer to conduct my business in private.

JAY

I'm sure crapping into a hole in the

ground in Colombia is definitely more  
private.

MANNY

I've never understood the practice  
of relieving oneself so publicly at

the urinal.

JAY

That's what men do. You pee

side-by-side. Mano-a-mano.

No fear.

MANNY (in a serious tone)

Jay, I heard Mr. Goldman. He has no  
honour. He will die a very lonely

man.

JAY

A _rich_ lonely man.

MANNY

I heard him, Jay, and you shouldn't  
let him intimidate you.

JAY (defensive)

He did not intimidate me.

MANNY

You are the better man, Jay. And I  
want to be like you.

Manny hugs him around his waist. A stranger walks in and Jay tries to separate himself from Manny – but Manny holds on. Jay gives up, waves the stranger past.

**28 – INT. – HOTEL – AWARDS CEREMONY - TABLE**

Jay and Manny sit at the table. Jay sees Barney at another table, beside a woman even younger than Gloria. Jay puts his arm around Gloria on one side and Manny on the other, and looks around the table at his family.

EVENT M.C.

Let's have a big clap for this year's  
winner of this year's California  
Leadership Achievement Prize – our newest  
CLAP member: Jay Pritchett!

Everyone stands and applauds. Jay walks to the podium.

**29 – INT. – HOTEL – AWARDS CEREMONY - STAGE**

Jay accepts the trophy and stands at the podium. He takes out a piece of paper.

JAY

(READING) So this guy, we'll  
call him Bernie, is at the  
Pearly Gates...

Jay stops, and sees Manny in the crowd. He pauses, and crumples up the speech.

JAY (CONT'D)

(SIGHS) I had a speech prepared for

tonight, but winning has made me realize

a few things. The award means a lot.  
After all, I have achieved a lot.

**ANGLE ON: CLAIRE AND PHIL**

CLAIRE

(quietly to Phil)

Alone apparently.

Phil is verging on collapse, sweating, holding his tummy. Burps.

**BACK TO JAY **

JAY

But I could never have done all

of that without the family support

and love that I have always been

so lucky to have. My family is the

most important thing that I have

built in the last 35 years. A

successful businessman has both a  
great company and a great family.  
This is for my family!

Jay holds his trophy aloft and points to table with his family.

**ANGLE ON: DUNPHY FAMILY TABLE**

As everyone stands to applaud Jay's speech, Phil throws up. Haley, who is sitting next to him, gets hit with splatter and – shocked - drops her cell into the mess on the floor.

HALEY

Dad! How could you! I still have  
68 texts to read!

Everyone is yelling and jumping away from the table. Claire scrambles for a napkin to hand to Phil.

CLAIRE

Are you okay, honey? Do we need to  
get you to the bathroom?

HALEY

Mom! My cell phone – it's in there.

Haley points to the floor, where cell has fallen into vomit. All nearby guests are horrified. Ad lib reactions of horror, disgust, etc from surrounding tables.

CLAIRE

Just calm down, Haley. Can you help  
your dad?

Haley doesn't move to help Phil.

CLAIRE (cont'd, exasperated)

Get some more napkins! I'll get

the phone.

CLAIRE grabs another napkin and – squeamishly – pulls the cell phone out of the mess. She hands it to Haley.

HALEY (mortified)  
Mom! This is the worst week  
of my life!

Phil throws up again.

CAMERON (looking at vomit)

Ooh, cancel the cocoa rococo.

LUKE (laughing)

This is so gross!

**BACK TO JAY**

JAY

My family. Couldn't be prouder.

**Tag**

**30 – EXT. – PARKING LOT – NIGHT**

All three families are walking together to the cars in the parking lot after the award ceremony.

CLAIRE

I'm proud of you, Dad. That was  
a great speech.

JAY

Well, I did a lot of thinking,  
Claire. And it was the right speech  
to give.

GLORIA

It came from your heart, Jay!

Barney Goldman is walking with his wife to their car. Calls out to Jay across parking lot.

BARNEY

Hey, Jay! It was a helluva speech.  
They'll be bringing it up for years.

"Bringing it up", geddit, Sandy?

BARNEY'S WIFE

Candy.

BARNEY

(SNAPS FINGERS) Candy!

Goldman laughs as he jumps into his expensive sports car. His wife lets herself in on other side. Jay shakes his head and holds the car door for Gloria.

MANNY

Don't let him get to you, Jay.

JAY (patting Manny's back)

OK hombre.

CLAIRE

(Suddenly realizing Phil's not with them.)

Where's Phil?

MITCHELL

I thought he was with you.

They all start to look around. Claire runs back to the hotel.

**30 – INT. – HOTEL – BATHROOM **

Phil is alone in the hotel bathroom. He leans against the counter and wipes his face with a cloth.

PHIL

How do the astronauts do it?

**FADE TO BLACK**

**END OF SHOW**


End file.
